I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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