It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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