you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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