Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
