My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
