Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
