mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
