Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
then he tried to convert me to islam
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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