I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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