Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
