just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
