I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
