Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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