Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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