Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
