you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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