I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I AM VODKA MAN
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
