I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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