I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize