6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
