I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
