Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize