Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
