yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
