I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
