Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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