Porn is love you can see.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
