I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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