my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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