She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
