Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
