Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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