Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
