there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Even the bartender felt bad for me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
