I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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