Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
