also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
