It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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