Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
