I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
