Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
