I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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