Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
