just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
