After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
