from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
