Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
