dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
