The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize