i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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