We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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