dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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