The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
