The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
