Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
