Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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